4 months ago
Elodie
I could barely breath. The air stunk of burning wood, but all around me was pitch black. I was running away from the darkness, but there was nothing else to run towards. Suddenly, a hand grabbed onto my arm. My staggered breathing suddenly cut off short as the hand dug its nails into me and flung me inward. “Elodie Johnson” said a monotone voice. I didn’t scream. I lost control of my body, I couldn’t struggle or move at all. The hand disappeared, leaving me to fall to the floor.
“Elodie Johnson!”
I woke with a start, thrusting my hand into the air, and staring around the classroom wide eyed and shaken. Mr. Halowitz mouth set into an even more permanent frown as he narrowed his eyes at me.
“You are wanted in the front office” he said, his voice never betraying its usual monotone base. I slid from my seat, taking my book bag with me, and nearly ran a full sprint to the door of the classroom.
4 months ago
I had only spoken out loud once today. It was really funny. I am reading a book, and one of the characters said something very amusing. The type of thing that you have to say out loud just to verify that you are amused. I found it interesting that this random blurt of mine was the only thing that I had said all day. I hadn’t even noticed being so completely mute until I said it, and I hadn’t noticed that I was alone until I stopped reading.
4 months ago
Sugar Coating Death
Something happens. You may see it coming, and you may not. Something happens, and all at once everything stops happening for you. You close your eyes, and as far as everyone else is concerned, you never open them again.
Nora Bailey hated her father for one reason, he was a liar. Frank Bailey was a liar in the same way that most parents are liars, he lied to his daughter to keep her happy with life. Unfortunately, the one lie that Nora wishes to be true the most, will never be true again. See, Nora’s mother was not on a business trip, as Frank Bailey suggested for 6 months of Nora’s 13th year in the world. No, Nora’s mother, Amelia Bailey, was dead, with no body left to bury.
Nora, Age 17
Nora opened the door to the fridge. To no surprise, it was incredibly bare. A plastic carton containing a single strawberry, half a jug of sour milk, and several styraphone plates from the Deli up the street, was all she could find. She didn’t expect anything more, but the opening of the fridge was just routine.
“Nora!” her father yelled down from the upstairs bathroom, “Can you pick up some food from the Quick Mart on your way home from school?” Rolling her eyes, Nora shut the fridge and quickly headed for the door, scooping up her bag on the way. “Nora!” Her father yelled louder this time. Nora ducked out of the door, and nearly sprinted across three lawns before ducking behind Mrs. Knoll’s rose bushes. “Shit!” He yelled, leaning out of the door. He had thought for sure that he would catch her this morning.
After her father retreated back into the house, Nora stood from her hiding place to mentally congratulate herself. She had successfully avoided her father’s gaze for the 7th morning in a row, this was a new record.
Nora couldn’t stand to see her father’s lying face. She couldn’t understand why he kept lying. He lied about her mother, then he lied and said that her Grandma Effie was dead, when grandma really just had Alzheimer’s, and couldn’t remember her. Recently, he was lying about secretly fucking their married family counselor, and quickly gambling away everything that she thought he had found dear in life. Like the car that her father claimed was stolen from the parking lot of a bar, but Jed Borges drove it into the school parking lot two days later saying that Frank had lost it in a game of cards off to his dad, and he was probably too drunk to remember. Frank might have been drunk, but he remembered, he is just a liar. Ever since his first lie about her mom, the lies just kept getting more ridiculous.
“Admiring the roses?” Nora heard from behind her. She whipped her head around to find Caleb Knoll smirking down at her. Caleb Knoll was Nora’s only real friend, but it was a newly developed friendship. They had played together a few times before her mother died, but then Caleb had to move because of his dad’s job. Caleb had moved back with his mom a couple of months ago, and Nora and Caleb just fell into being friends when Caleb accidentally backed over her bike, which was mysteriously sitting in front of his driveway.
“Tell your mom that they are looking nice”, Nora said automatically. Caleb smiled and turned around heading for his rusty black pick-up. “Ready to go?” he called back to her. Nora ran around the side of the truck, tossing her bag in the bed, and hopped into the cab. Pulling her feet up towards the center, Nora leaned her head out of the window and smiled. “Where to?” she yelled over the sudden roar of the engine and some unrecognizable song on the radio. Caleb turned the radio off, and started to pull out of the driveway, “School, of course”, he said in a matter-of-fact tone. Nora stared out the window with a smirk, “School”, she whispered.
4 months ago
I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.
5 months ago
Ordinary People
5 months ago
Chapter 1: A Different Day
My head was laid back and my body was calm but my mind was chaotic. The thoughts that I were having were completely unwanted. I was depressed. I wanted to quickly divert myself from these feelings so I decided to take a shower. Shower always being the stress reliever during these few but long months of my spiral into a deeper hole of sadness. The water was cold so I would wait a few minutes or so, but I needed a distraction. I sat on my bed staring around my room trying to make unknown discoveries, hoping that this would occupy the dark spots in my head. Only to realize moments later that this wasn’t working I reached for my psychology book. The definition of depression seemed so unreal to me it was like it didn’t apply to me. What I felt seemed so much more painful, what I felt didn’t belong to a word.
Around 2 in the morning I had woken up fully clothed and sprawled across the bed with my psychology book lying across my chest. My original plan to get at least a small amount of studying done for my psychology test tomorrow, or today, had failed. I put my book away and grabbed my towel from the hamper. I sleepily walked to the bathroom wanting the bed and the wet heat of the shower at the same time. The water felt good on my skin while I concentrated on relaxing different parts of my body in the soothing steam. I gently washed my hair with my lavender scented shampoo just to keep the experience longer. Finally after a couple more minutes of pleasure I stepped out in to the cold bathroom. My body was overwhelmed by the mixture of the heat from the shower and the cold air from the room. I tiptoed back to my room hoping that sleep could be achieved once more tonight. The exhaustion from crying would help with that.
I woke up in a daze head throbbing from the light entering into my room from the outside. My eyes wouldn’t willingly open so I forced them open as I sat up to this new day ahead. I tried to convince myself that it would be better than yesterday, but just as I did yesterday, I sat there unconvinced.
I quickly got ready for school not wanting to be late again. I rushed downstairs realizing that it was only 7:10. School started at 8:00 so I had lots of unwanted time to think. My mom had already left for work so there were no distractions there. After mulling over a large breakfast and a bowl of cereal I decided to keep it simple so I grabbed a strawberry pop tart out of the cupboard. I quickly devoured the first and nibbled on the second. My life is painfully uneventful and there is just so much room for thoughts I should be trying to avoid. I shoved the half eaten pop tart to the side and searched my bag for my iPod. Surely it would get loud enough to block out any negative emotions, at least I was hoping for as much.
The drive to school was better than usual. The silence wasn’t as bad as it usually was. I tried to drive below the speed limit so not to make it to school so early. The soothing sounds of the car gave me a sense of temporary peace that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I noticed the scenery and the beautiful blue sky, a promise for today. Not once would I think about my pain today, I would be happy for at least today. It is my birthday.
The parking lot in front of Madison High school was crowded as usual. I stepped out of the heat of my car and into the cold of the winter air. Did I have a plan for today? I had to make this day in some way less painful than the others. I walked through the crowd trying to acknowledge their presence with a slight smile lingering on my face. It didn’t feel natural and I could tell that I looked weird to them but I continued my conquest. I made it just on time, just as I was crossing the court yard the bell rang for first period classes. No need to rush, I had five minutes before final bell rung, but I walked quickly anyways just out of habit.
The day seemed to be getting better because of my mood. First period we watched a movie that apparently had some relation to psychology. Amazingly the test we took towards the end of class was relatively easy. I wasn’t going to hope for better, but for now I was just a little bit happy. This was good.
I had lectures 2nd period, but time seemed to move faster today. I took down careful notes not even realizing when lunch hour had sprung upon me. I felt really hungry, but thirstier than anything so I just bought a simple turkey sub and an orange juice. I scanned the busy cafeteria for an empty table that possibly wouldn’t attract too many people. After making a careful selection of two tables, one by the bathrooms and the other by the vending machines, I sat down at the one by the vending machines. I popped in my earphones and slowly ate feeling more comfortable than I had ever felt.
“Hello” surely I couldn’t have been bothering anybody. “Hi, can you hear me?” there was a male voice outside of the booming of my earphones, I looked up to see an extremely attractive boy standing over me with paper bag in hand. This got my attention. I pressed pause. “I turned it off” I said annoyingly. I just knew that this interruption had to be unnecessary. He smiled, “Well I was just wondering… umm, well I saw you sitting here and I was wondering if you would mind if I joined you.” He sounded happy but I could lift a small amount of nervous from his voice. “Why?” Ooops. That was meant for my head. He frowned a bit. “Well I just thought you could use some company.” I don’t think I had ever seen this boy before. No, definitely not, I would remember someone so attractive. Why did he want to keep me company? I could feel my face turning to confusion. He smiled again at my reaction; his smile was so interesting to watch. “You don’t mind” his voice sounded so soothing and irresistible that all I could do was shake my head. I motioned for him to sit, and he graciously took the seat directly in front of me.
I stared at his light green shirt that looked good on him. It was my favorite color. What was his purpose for sitting here when there was so obviously a variety of selection in the cafeteria, all being more interesting than sitting with me? I wanted to take the initiative to start a conversation, but I was at a loss for words. “I’m David”. That sounded good. “Are you new here?” I broke out quickly probably sounding too anxious. “Yea, I just moved here from California, I like it here.”So he liked the small town of Madison. “Did you like California?” I was obviously sounding too interested, but I couldn’t help myself. He laughed “Yea, it was ok, too much traffic” that’s unfortunate “So I didn’t get your name.” He wanted to know my name; hopefully it wasn’t too much for him. “Esther.” He stared intently “That’s nice.” I suspect he was just being polite, my name was obviously too old for me. “Thanks, it grows on you.” Well I guessed it did. “It’s a beautiful name.” His tone was sincere and his expression sent an electric chill under my skin. “Why did you sit here?” I asked trying to change the subject. I probably sounded rude, but he just smiled again. “Is this table off limits?” I blushed. “Uhh. No I’m sorry.” What is wrong with me, I think my communication skills are damaged. “Don’t be. You just looked…well…look interesting.” What was he looking at? “Me?” Obviously not me. “Yea, you looked calm and serene listening to your music alone, like you were comfortable. I hated myself for interrupting you, but I just had to talk to you.” Talk to me, why would he want to talk to me? “Why?” I was curious. “Well besides your intense expressions, I’m sure you here this a lot, but you are breathtakingly beautiful.” He was still smiling. On that note I rose from my seat. I could feel the frown seeping in. Was this some kind of joke? I turned to walk away, and looked over my shoulder to see him again. His expression remained unchanged, he was still smiling. Was somebody trying to play a joke on me?
I rushed out of the cafeteria in a wave of furious confusion. I refused to look back again fearing that he would be laughing with his friends or something. Just when I thought my day was going to be ok. In a rush of furry to get farther away from him I went off to 3rd period Chemistry completely forgetting to go to my locker and get my Chemistry book. I didn’t want to be late so I just took my seat at the usual back of the class area. I’m sure no one noticed my anger, but simply because no one usually noticed me. That should have tipped me off right there. No one usually noticed me so why would this David notice me.
I couldn’t do this today. I wouldn’t let that get to me. I had a right to be happy on this one day. Just when I felt a little bit of my strength coming back to hold this day together…he walked in. I immediately lost all that strength and shrunk down in my seat like a little turtle or something. He handed a piece of paper to the teacher Mr. Bills, who immediately gave him a short introduction to the class. He caught glimpse of me and showed an obvious smirk before taking his seat on the farther side of the room. Good easier to know he wasn’t staring at my back no doubt laughing about his joke. “Class we are going to break up into pairs, and begin our class labs for today, would anyone like to volunteer to be Mr. Collier’s partner?” It seemed like a million hands shot up into the air, but he stood to interrupt the excitement. “Excuse me Mr. Bills, but I would like to make a request for a partner, if she will have me of course.” Mr. Bills looked relieved that he wouldn’t have to choose the lucky girl. “Yes that’s fine” David turned to look at me with a serious look and said “Esther, would you have me?” Every single face in that room shot in my direction. They all looked as confused as I felt. Why was he doing this? Mr. Bills had a surprised look on his face but was smart enough to remove it quickly and said, “A fine choice Mr. Collier.” He smiled yet again. “I do think so.”
It didn’t take long for all the attention to leave me. After he walked over to my seat and asked me again if I would be his partner, and I said yes. So stupid. People began to ignore my direction again, but I couldn’t quite shake the feeling that they were still talking about me. He sat in the desk next to mine and shifted it closer while I stared closely at his expressions. “You don’t take compliments very well do you?” I was lost in my uncomfortable state. I could feel the anger arising and my body tensing up. “Are you ok, you look upset?” Can’t I just be happy for one day? “What is this about, what did I do?” He looked confused and frowned. “What do you mean? Do you not like people or something?”
I softened my expression. “No…I mean… yea… umm… Why are you being so nice to me? Is this some kind of a joke?” His frown set in even deeper this time “No, Why would I be joking?”
His face seemed truly confused at my accusation, and I could tell he was getting a bit annoyed. “Just come right out and tell me, are your friends daring you to talk to me or something, please don’t lie to me.” His faced turned cold and angry at once. What was wrong with him? “I guess that answers my question, you really don’t take compliments well, actually your just really bad at it.” I stared at him intently waiting for an explanation. Maybe I was wrong about this joke, but I couldn’t change my mind just yet. I wouldn’t let him hurt me by deceiving me, I wasn’t that gullible.
“You are very beautiful, and unavoidably interesting. I find myself more interested because you don’t seem to realize that. It is alarming that someone such as yourself could not understand the effect you are having on me, the effect that you have on so many other people at this school without even saying a single word to anybody.” I only stared in disbelief. “Umm. Did you cover any of this Chemistry at your old school?” I said nervously trying to change the subject. He laughed at my attempt but answered with a simple “Yes.”
We worked through the lab with ease. He was very smart. He continued to ask me questions that had nothing to do with our assignment, but we still finished before anyone else. I was still shocked by his statement, and my answers probably sounded really shaky, but I was beginning to believe that he was who I hadn’t imagined he would be. It seemed like he was trying to get to know me, although I still couldn’t understand why. I questioned him several times about this and he only frowned each time, but then came right back with another question. When he found out it was my birthday he proceeded to tell the class but I quickly stopped him before he could get out one word. He laughed loudly bringing the attention to us again, but only until he calmed down a few seconds later.
When the bell finally rung I nearly jumped from my seat. He chuckled out loud and rose from his seat to push it back into place. I was still sitting there probably with a dumbfounded expression on my face. This was unreal, maybe I was dreaming, and I will wake up disappointed. He turned around and he looked very serious. “I don’t know how this is going to sound, but do you mind if I walk you to your next class.” Unbelievable. “Umm. Actually I don’t have a 4th period class. I have work study, even though I don’t work on Fridays.” Ugh more time to think. “Oh. Hey I have lectures 4th period. But that class only meets on Mondays and Wednesdays.” He sounded excited. I wondered what lecture that was. “What lecture is that?” I asked out loud “Rim Calculus” he smiled. “Oh Mr. Rim is nice. I have lectures with him 2nd period, Analysis.” I felt a little more comfortable talking about school. “Yea? I met him this morning while I was getting my schedule, and he seems like a cool guy. “His smile turned serious again “So do you need a ride or something.” I found myself wanting to accept his offer. “Uh. No. That’s ok, I drove here.” He looked a little disappointed, but didn’t let it bother him too long. “Walk you to your car?” Did this guy really like me, plain me? This is definitely not something I would expect today, this seemed impossible. This was happening, I’m sure it was. He was so sure that I was amazing, and even though I didn’t believe it, I wouldn’t force him to think otherwise. “Sure, I have to go to my locker first.”
That night David was all I could think about. It made me smile a lot thinking that someone such as him could be attracted to someone such as me. I wasn’t good enough for him that was obvious, but he seemed to think otherwise and that was refreshing. I thought about cooking spaghetti for dinner, but ordered pizza instead to fit the occasion. I got a head start on my homework while I waited for the pizza to arrive. I had finished my psychology homework and started my analysis homework before the pizza showed up. After throwing back three slices and a cup of grape soda, I put away a plate for my mom and went upstairs to take a shower. My mom wanted to get off work early today, but I knew there was a likely chance that wasn’t going to happen so I told her not to worry about it. I was in the bed around 9:30, no not much of a life, but at least I had something nice to think about. David, he was so amazingly gorgeous. He was tall, medium build, I guess lean or something. His face was heart shaped and his hair was oddly disheveled, which made me want to run my fingers through it. His big deep brown eyes were amazing to look at and they went well with his heart stopping smile. I found myself crushing hard on this guy; I only hoped that this feeling was justified.
Later that night reality set in. Tomorrow was the day I would try so hard to avoid if that was even possible. I knew the pain and depression would come for me, and all I would be able to do would be to let it take me. I missed his presence; he was my best friend, my dad. January 18, the day after my birthday was the anniversary of his death. Nothing could block this feeling that I had, and I would try and sleep through it. Facing that day was more painful than facing death itself. Death is peaceful. This pain that I had to endure after my dad was gone forever was unbearable. Hopefully I had built up enough strength from today to withstand it. I would have to take it only hoping that it wouldn’t kill me in the process. I cried myself to sleep thinking about it.
10 months ago
Sometimes when I say smart things I just feel like there is someone storing large amounts of information (that I do not know about) at the back of my brain, and throwing them out of my mouth at the appropriate moments. I am not nearly as smart as I think I am, but sometimes I am smarter than that.
